I'm Not Ready for This

December 4 started out a great day. And it finished well. What happened in between made me realize I’m not ready for this journey. I’m not ready for Alzheimer’s to steal my father-in-law. I’m not ready for heart attach or stroke to steal my mother-in-law. I still need them.

I began my day trying to write a blog for the week. I was on a roll but had to shut down to go for lunch. My husband’s niece from Vancouver was coming for lunch with her family. I had not yet met the twins and they are over a year old already.

My mother-in-law had made a delicious noon meal for us to share together at their place. All was going well…until it wasn’t.

Shortly after lunch I noticed her sit down – she doesn’t sit down when she has company to look after. She looked pale and was having a hard time breathing. My nephew took her pulse while I checked it on my phone app. It was very low, too low. She said she was dizzy and unable to walk unassisted. She had lost vision in her left eye, and in her right, she saw flashes of light. She was also experiencing abdominal pain but dismissed it as acid reflux due to the apple juice she had drank earlier.

In consultation with my nephew and the help of Google we decided it was time to make a visit to emergency. Two-plus hours later, after an ECG and several vials of blood taken, the doctor said she was free to go home. There were no markers of heart attack or stroke. Thank you, Jesus!! It was possibly dehydration because in preparing for company she had neglected to keep herself hydrated. The doctor also thought it was a TIA (According to the Mayo Clinic A transient ischemic attack [TIA] is like a stroke, producing similar symptoms, but usually lasting only a few minutes and causing no permanent damage. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/transient-ischemic-attack/symptoms-causes/syc-20355679). But it could have been so much worse. She has a history of blood clots and heart disease and has had several mini strokes.

This event brought to the forefront previous grief and trauma and launched both my husband and me into ‘what if’ scenarios. Last time we went through grief and trauma we were new to our church and community and it didn’t go so well. What if this is the same? We are new to our church and community now as well. Yup PTSD was triggered.

PTSD is complicated. Here are some things we learned when our counselor helped us navigate through it a few years ago. I am over-simplifying it but will share a few steps that may help if you have ever experienced or are presently battling PTSD.

1) The situation is similar and triggers all sorts of extreme often debilitating emotions that tell you, “Here we go again.” This is normal and is an automatic response. Unless one receives miraculous healing, which I believe is totally plausible, it will be this way for the rest of one’s life.           

2) List all the things that are the same between this new situation and the original trauma. List even the mundane: sights, smells, location, age, etc. The emotions will start to escalate just so you are aware.

Here are some of the things that are the same for me:   

 *We are in a new ministry                                                                                                        *We have no kids living at home                                                                                            *Life and death are beyond our control                                                                              *We feel a little alone in a strange world and culture                                                                *We have not yet built close relationships with people                                                            *People close to us have died or been handed terminal illness diagnoses                                *There are many more but I just wanted to give you a starting point                                                                                                        

3) Now list all the things that are different this time than when you first experienced the trauma. Even things like, different hair style, you now have a ring you did not have before, this is a different location, the people are different, etc.  

Again, here are some of the differences for me:

  *We are older                                                                                                                          *This ministry is different – a large church and not a church plant                                             *The folks in this new ministry are different                                                                        *This is a different town                                                                                                             *I am a writer/author and not a piano teacher                                                                          *We have made it through trauma and gained much healing and have tools to deal with                                trauma this time around                                                                                 *Our new people can quote Monty Python Quest for the Holy Grail (a total game-changer)                                   and they find it funny

4) Most of the time as you begin to list all the things that are different the emotions begin to dissipate.

Though we are fully aware this journey is going to be tough we do not wish to make agreements with a spirit of angst or fear, but we do need to be prepared. How does one do that? I cannot control life and death. But can I prepare for it and still remain “untethered”?  The truth is my mom-in-law may end up having to be hospitalized while my dad-in-law needs special care. How will we manage that? It won’t be easy, and it won’t be without a lot of grief. But it doesn’t have to cause me to crater. On the other hand, she may remain strong and virile for years. Then all this worry would be for naught. So why would I steal tomorrow’s grace?

Life on this side of heaven is messy. At times it is filled with grief and sorrow. It also holds much joy. There are times of stability and times of uncertainty. We are in a season of much uncertainty. What is God trying to teach us?

It is much easier presenting words of wisdom, “like apples of gold in bowls of silver”, to someone else who is struggling. It is quite different to eat that same fruit myself. I know the Bible verses. Jesus, in his gentle manner, invites me to sup with him. Share the 'fruit' with him.

This world cannot offer security and stability. So why would I look for it there? Because I am made from the dirt and I forget.

I like the way Eugene Peterson says it in The Message.

“I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”” (John 16:33, The Message) [Emphasis mine]

In both the previous and following verses the proviso is trust; trusting God. He is the only certainty in a fluid world.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13, NIV84) [emphasis mine]

So, while I may not be ready for more sorrow, I am ready for hope! Not only the ‘some day’ kind of hope but the ‘for today’ kind of hope. I may be fashioned from dirt, but God has placed his Holy Spirit within me and by his power I can stand secure, even in a fluid world. I’m ready for joy. I’m ready for peace. I’m ready for this.