Sorrow and Joy Go Walking

I feel stuck. I can’t hear Jesus speak to my soul like I have in the past. I have little motivation to do things around the house or to get out and meet people. I waste a lot of time doing…well, nothing really, at least nothing that makes a difference in the world. It seems the Lord is asking me to spend some time really feeling the losses I have experienced in the last 6 months to a year. Wouldn’t it be easier if I just ignored them? Wouldn’t they eventually just scab over and I’d be fine? Apparently not.

Every Monday my husband and I try to lean into Sabbath Rest. A habit we began several years ago. One of the first things I do is grab a coffee and go sit by myself in my office. I review my last week’s journal entries. I look for ways in which God revealed himself and touched my heart in some way. It is a great exercise because I forget. This not only helps me remember but it positions me to enter the next week from a place of gratitude. It often reveals things I need to repent of before I can move forward.

Because we just moved and have gone through some significant losses, sometimes I can see only the darkness, loneliness, and isolation. Sometimes it feels as though that darkness is veiling God’s lovely face. Review helps me see the little ways in which Jesus ministered to my soul through the scriptures I read or worship songs I listened to, or some other way God tailored just for me.

I am beyond grateful for King David’s candid journaling and prolific song writing. I wonder if he ever thought millions of people would read his stuff. Or that his songs would still be popular several thousand years later. He is referred to as “a friend of God” so his ranting and railing must be okay. When my husband shared his reading of Psalm 40 with me, I felt like it was my testimony; my life.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.” (Psalm 40:1–3, NIV84)

As I review my journal entries, I can easily see what God has done in the past even when I can’t see it in my present circumstances. This is one very good reason to journal. It is record keeping of God’s faithfulness. I can hear your excuses: What if someone reads it?!! You are reading mine right now. And you have read David’s. Who knows but that someone may find great encouragement to find out how human you are and what a great God we have for a Dad. And, you will have a wonderful way of measuring your own growth journey with the Lord. Having said that, I have a “burn all my journals” order upon my death. Although, if I’m dead I won’t care who is reading my visceral recordings of the way I am perceiving life.

Somehow, I got down a bunny trail. As I review my journals, I am in awe of the many ways in which God has been so very good to me.

“Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.” (Psalm 40:5, NIV84) [emphasis mine]

So, if God is so faithful and so very good why am I stuck?! Let’s take a look at verse 11-12. This is more in keeping with how I feel these days.

“Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me. Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me. For troubles surround me— too many to count! My sins pile up so high I can’t see my way out. They outnumber the hairs on my head. I have lost all courage.” (Psalm 40:11–12, NLT) [emphasis mine]

That about sums up my ‘bi-polar’ walk with Jesus. One minute I am praising his name the next I am in the throes of grief and loss. Too much joy – too much sorrow. Partners walking hand in hand down a winding road.

When I am more aware of the pain and sorrow than I am of  joy does that mean my faith is faltering? I surely hope not. King David was very candid about his disappointment with life, or even with God. If we ignore the difficult times, we are denying our humanness and will not fully appreciate God’s provision in the midst of the struggle, or perhaps at the end of it.

Verse 17 gives me the hope I need to take another step.

 “But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you. May those who long for your help always say, “The LORD be glorified.” Though I am afflicted and poor, the Lord keeps me in mind. You are my help and deliverer; my God, do not delay!” (Psalm 40:17–18, NAB)

Today I have no answers for you; no quick fixes. Sometimes joy and sorrow walk hand in hand for a while. Sometimes it seems joy gets the upper hand and then just as quickly the grief ninja jumps me, and sorrow gets the upper hand. But on the long-haul joy will win out. It always has. I’ve read it in my journals. I’ve read it in the Sacred Text.