Bracing for Impact
I
don’t know if this title resonates with anyone else, but I have often operated
in a perpetual state of ‘bracing for impact’. It’s exhausting. I sleep with one
eye open and one ear to the ground, ready to spring into action at a moment’s
notice. The toughest challenge is when my kids are facing unknown difficulties.
I watch helplessly from the sidelines waiting for resolution. How will this
end? When will this end? Will it turn out well, or will we have to walk through
the valley of trauma again? As a Jesus Follower, why am I not exempt from this
sort of journey?
Many
years ago, when our late son-in-law was still alive, I was in a constant state
of ‘bracing for impact’. He was battling mental illness and addictions. Our
daughter and their boys were dealing with the fall-out of his choices and
behaviour. Addiction is not a choice. One does not wake up one morning and
decide, “Today I’m going to become an addict”. It begins with a choice
but eventually gains the upper-hand and choice is removed from the addict. The
entire family and friend circle is affected by the life of the addict. I was a
mother who slept with one eye opened and my ear to the ground, waiting like a
coiled spring for that dreaded phone call telling me that disaster had fallen
on my family. Because I had been bracing for impact for so long, it was very
difficult to retrain my brain to relax once the threat was no longer there.
Eventually
all of us will be impacted by one trial or another. I’m not suggesting we just
develop a laissez-faire attitude – whatever will be will be – because that
would be irresponsible. But ‘white-knuckling’ your life or the lives of those
around you will most certainly result in injury; injury to your own soul, your
relationships with those around you, and your relationship with God.
The
other day while I was journaling about the unpredictability of our life with a
father battling Alzheimer Disease and a mother battling heart disease, I
recorded that I feel like I am once again ‘bracing for impact’, waiting for
some trauma to take place, knowing that if things were left as they were, it
was not a matter of if it would hit but when. I want to be
prepared for the trauma. I want to control the outcome. I don’t want to get
taken out at the knees so I’m bracing myself. I’m exhausted. I can’t sustain
this. I found myself writing, “How can I rest while I’m bracing for impact?” I
can’t. Not truly.
In
the beginning of March my husband and I were taking a drive out to the country
where we had planned to do a bit of snowshoeing. It was a bit windy, but we
figured that down in the valley we would be sheltered from the wind. The sun
was shining, it had the makings of a glorious day. As we turned East it wasn’t
long before the roads became a challenge. The fresh snow from the previous few
days was picked up by the wind and catching on the wet pavement. “It’s okay, we
have a 4x4 if it gets really bad,” I said. We kept trucking along. Midway in an
especially long stretch of deep slushy snow, our truck started fishtailing. My
husband made a valiant effort to keep us on the road – left, right, left, right.
There was a point at which I knew he had lost the battle. I braced myself as I
prepared for the impact of hitting the ditch. It felt like we were going to
roll over but as quickly as it had begun, we came to rest, deep into the ditch.
That was too close for comfort. We sat and did some deep breathing for a bit. Good
we brought snacks and drink with us because we were going to be here a while
waiting for a tow truck. Then we saw that the rear tires were on the field, so Tom
put the truck into 4x4 low and backed us up onto the farmer’s field and drove
back onto the road on the nearest driveway. We didn’t even have to call AMA for
help. We went home. It wasn’t until the next day that my body began to feel the
effects of bracing for impact. I was very sore. Maybe if I had just assumed the
crash position, I would have fared much better.
Think
of how much more worn out I would have felt if I had begun bracing for impact
while we were still in our driveway, while the roads were still good. Just
in case we go into the ditch I should be bracing for it, right? It sounds
ridiculous when applied to this situation. But is it not just as ridiculous
when applied to any life situation? Just like I did not know the roads were
going to turn so ugly so quickly, none of us knows what is around the bend. It
would not have done a bit of good to brace ahead of time. We would have still
hit the ditch, but I would have been much sorer. Plus, I would have been an
awful travel companion. I would have sucked the joy out of the excursion for
both Tom and me.
We
live in a fallen, dying world. There is an abundance of sorrow and pain and
anxiety. But there is also an abundance of joy, healing, grace, and peace. Why
is it so much easier to brace for pain than it is to brace for joy? How much
energy have I wasted by bracing for the impact that never materialized?
I’ve
seen some kids when they fall off their bikes just sort of ‘tuck and roll’
while others hit the ground flailing. Which one do you think is more likely to
get injured? Without a doubt it is the one who is flailing. The ‘tuck and roll’
attitude is one that is prepared without bracing. Oh, they may still get
bloodied but much less so than the one bracing for impact by flailing.
I
know all of this in my head, but it is taking a long time to make it into my
heart. I can quite easily preach it to another when all the while I am bracing
for impact myself. Talk about being hypocritical.
“Father,
teach me how to ‘tuck and roll’. I know you are faithful and good. I know that
you will give me whatever I need in the moment. You don’t give tomorrow’s grace
to me today. I gain nothing by trying to make myself ready for the worst-case
scenario. In fact, if anything, I steal from tomorrow’s grace when I try and
figure everything out today.
You
[God] say:
““Be strong
and courageous...” (Joshua
1:6, NLT)
“Be strong and
very courageous...”
(Joshua 1:7, NLT)
Here’s what I
know:
“And I am
convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor
life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries
about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” (Romans 8:38, NLT)
“Thank
you, Father, for your faithfulness, even when I doubt your capability to rescue
me, when I fail to trust you with tomorrow. The worst thing that could ever
happen to me is to somehow be separated from your love, but you have given me
your solemn vow that that will never happen. Thank you.”
I
had to write this blog because I am preaching to myself. I am practicing the
‘tuck and roll’ so that I can mitigate future injury and learn to live at rest
even in unresolved circumstances. Nothing life throws at me can trump how
dearly I am loved by Father. I can be strong and very courageous because
nothing can separate me from God’s love.
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